Santa Suddenly Succumbs to Crazed Crowd

To: Janet Strauss (Student Leadership Director)
From: Mrs. Applebaume

Hey, soooo glad that we got through that school dance. Seriously, it went well, other than "The Santa Incident".

I know that you heard what happened to our most-awesome art teacher Shane a.k.a. Santa, but allow me the pleasure of filling you in.

The Details: We were getting the dance started. Since I embrace my ability to be a dork, I was one of the faculty who went out on the dance floor to begin pulling kids out to dance (it is like guy-ask-girl at the skating rink...only yuckier). While standing center court, I saw "Santa" at the door; he hadn't started the Santa photo booth yet. I waved him in. He jogged onto the court like a varsity jock (perhaps for the first time in his life). It was too much. The kids went wild.

Then, all of a sudden, the students who had been standing near the bleachers rushed Santa. It was amazing. Within seconds he was entirely swarmed. His eyes were bugging out behind his wire spectacles. His velvet, red hat was flipping from one side to the other. It was obvious from his jarred movements that the crowd had claimed him. He was too high above them to still be on solid ground! Our beloved choir teacher Denny and I jumped into action. We forced our way through the mob to the aid of Saint Nick. We marched him out of the gym, me in the lead, Denny protecting the rear.

When we got him out into a side hall Santa began to get his bearings. He was stunned...we all were. I feel a little bit guilty for calling him out on the dance floor, but really...who could've seen that coming?! The wild drive of the mob reminded me of horrible stories of people crushed at concerts, or of the Bacchaen rituals where virginal males were torn apart. This is why The Beatles ran. This is why Mall Santa's have elves...festive feeding frenzies.

Santa kept on saying "I can't believe that just happened. My pants felt like they were going to drop...can you imagine?" (I can). He was in shock.

I told him that I was definitely the Kevin Costner to his Whitney Houston. I broke into song, but just for a second.

Then Denny tried to make him feel better. He took the tune "Grandma got ran over by a reindeer" and sang "Santa got gang-raped by some 8th graders". Only a professional choir teacher could pull that off.

Truly, between the vision of Santa's terrified expression while his body jutted back and forth AND Denny's song, I can't keep it together. I haven't spontaneously laughed like this in a long, long time.

I do think we need to make a pro and con list so we can kick it for the spring dance planning. Luckily there is not a spring cult figure that will require security...I just snorted again.

To: Principal Shields
From: Mrs. Applebaume


Hi Millie, I really appreciate your e-mail to the entire faculty congratulating us on the success of the Holiday (Christmas) Dance. As our principal, I know that you are incredibly busy, and therefore it is understandable that you were unable to attend the dance. We look forward to having a wonderful spring dance.